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  DESIGNER RELATIONSHIPS

  DESIGNER RELATIONSHIPS

  A GUIDE TO HAPPY MONOGAMY, POSITIVE POLYAMORY, AND OPTIMISTIC OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

  MARK A. MICHAELS AND PATRICIA JOHNSON

  Copyright © 2015 Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson.

  All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

  Published in the United States by Cleis Press,

  an imprint of Start Midnight, LLC,

  101 Hudson Street, Thirty-Seventh Floor, Suite 3705,

  Jersey City, New Jersey 07302.

  Printed in the United States.

  Cover design: Scott Idleman/Blink

  Text design: Frank Wiedemann

  First Edition.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Trade paper ISBN: 978-1-62778-147-3

  E-book ISBN: 978-1-62778-149-7

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available on file.

  Contents

  List of Tips, Techniques, and Tidbits

  Foreword by Kenneth R. Haslam, MD

  Introduction

  Chapter 1: What Is a Designer Relationship?

  The New Sexual Revolution

  Designer Relationships—a Field Guide

  Single by Choice

  Single and Polyamorous

  Asexual

  Nonsexual

  Monogamous by Choice

  Semiconsensual Nonmonogamy

  Open Relationships

  Monogamish

  Friends with Benefits

  Swinging, or Being “in the Lifestyle”

  Polyamory

  Swolly

  Polyfidelity

  Kink

  Chapter 2: What Is Monogamy?

  True Monogamy and Social Monogamy

  Monogamy in Human History

  Monogamy Since 1960

  Monogamy Is Not a Monolith

  Four Types of Monogamy

  Sexual Monogamy

  Emotional Monogamy

  Social Monogamy

  Practical Monogamy

  Late-Modern Monogamy

  Twenty-First-Century Relationships: In Crisis?

  The Marriage Crisis from a Different Angle

  Natural or Not: Who Cares?

  Defensiveness, Commentary, and “Bashing”

  Who’s Afraid of Nonmonogamy?

  Chapter 3: Mononormative Myths

  Myth #1: Romantic Love Is the Only Foundation for an Enduring Relationship

  Myth #2: You Need to Find a Soul Mate

  Myth #3: They Lived Happily Ever After

  Myth #4: Desiring Someone Else Is a Form of Infidelity

  Myth #5: Monogamy Is Natural, Evolutionarily Determined, Optimal, or Divinely Ordained

  Myth #6: There Is a Right Way to Be Sexual

  Chapter 4: Misconceptions about Consensual Nonmonogamy

  Misconception #1: Consensual Nonmonogamy Threatens the Institution of Marriage

  Misconception #2: Consensually Nonmonogamous People Are at Higher Risk for Contracting STIs

  Misconception #3: People Who Choose to Be in Alternative Relationships Are Incapable of Intimacy

  Misconception #4: Cheating and Consensual Nonmonogamy Are Similar

  Misconception #5: Designer Relationships Perpetuate Male Dominance at the Expense of Women

  Misconception #6: Monogamy Is Better for Children

  Misconception #7: People in Nonmonogamous Relationships Have a Higher Rate of Separation and Divorce

  Misconception #8: The End of a Relationship Represents a “Failure”

  Chapter 5: Relationship Skills for Everyone

  Know Yourself Sexually and Relationally

  Love Is Profound Interest

  View Every Relationship as a Co-creation

  Take Pleasure in Serving Each Other

  Connect First—Talk Later

  Intimacy Is a Balancing Act

  Don’t Confuse Privacy with Secrecy

  Trust

  Playing Games Does Not Build Trust

  Sexual Trust

  Keep Kindness as Your Touchstone

  Be Honest in Moderation

  Engage Empathically

  Compersion: Empathy on Steroids

  Be Flexible

  Create a Statement of Purpose

  Chapter 6: For Couples and Others

  Sexual Adventuring to Bring You Closer

  Erotic Imagination, Fantasy, and Erotica

  More about Fantasy: Partnered and Solo

  From Behind Closed Doors to Out in the Open

  First Steps toward Opening Your Relationship

  Interacting with Others

  Dealing with Jealousy

  Jealousy and the Importance of Feeling Special

  Compersion and Jealousy

  Kink

  Sex, Aging, and Designer Relationships

  Chapter 7: Ethical Considerations in Designer Relationships

  Safer Sex

  Make Your Safer Sex Decisions and Stick to Them

  Safer Sex—It’s Not Just for Kids

  Fluid Bonding

  Sexual Responsibility

  Mindfulness and Respect

  Afterword

  Designer Relationships: Resource Guide

  Acknowledgments

  Notes

  About the Authors

  List of Tips, Techniques, and Tidbits

  Designer Relationships—Beyond the Binary

  Some Components of a Designer Relationship

  What Does Monogamy Mean to You?

  Flirting Is Healthy. Emotional Affairs, Not So Much

  How Socially Monogamous Are You?

  Statistics Only Tell You So Much

  Online Dating and Unrealistic Expectations

  Confused Media Portrayals of Consensual Nonmonogamy

  Relationship Anarchy: A Radical Approach to Polyamory

  The Benefits of Consensual Nonmonogamy

  Eye-Gazing for Two

  Eye-Gazing for More Than Two

  Ground Rules for Creating Sexual Trust

  There’s a Time and Place for Those Difficult Discussions

  Is Honesty Appropriate?

  Steps for Cultivating Empathy in Difficult Situations

  Things to Consider When Crafting a Statement of Purpose

  Examples of Agreements for Interacting with Others

  Safer Sex—Think of Others Too

  Foreword

  by Kenneth R. Haslam, MD

  Founder of the Kenneth R. Haslam, MD Polyamory Archives, the Kinsey Institute, Indiana University

  We are living in an era of major change in terms of how we practice sex, love, and relationships. Thanks to the Internet, whole communities now exist that honor a variety of non-monogamous relationship structures—polyamory, swinging, and other alternative arrangements. Finding people and places to explore this wide variety of sexual and romantic options can now be done with ease, something that was hard to imagine a few decades ago. The novel Fifty Shades of Grey has led millions into a consideration of adding kink and BDSM into their intimate repertoire. Marriages have been failing at a high rate for years. Many older people, who find themselves suddenly single, are exposed to a cyber world of online dating and a social acceptance of a new sexuality that are light years away from how they grew up. Many younger people, who may have been raised by divorced parents, are actively seeking healthier alternatives.

  Times are changing.

  Designer Relationships is a guidebook for th
ese changing times. It explores what is now available to anyone with a computer, a modicum of curiosity, and the willingness to take a risk and explore.

  I was born in the mid-1930s and grew up in the very conservative ’40s and ’50s. My generation was led to believe that our only option was to marry the virginal Prince (or Princess) Charming of the opposite sex, have babies, and live in the suburbs with wood-paneled station wagons. It was assumed that our lifelong partners would meet all our sexual, emotional, and practical needs for sixty years and that we would die in each other’s arms still ecstatic in love. These misguided beliefs still hold sway in popular culture.

  Buying into these myths didn’t work for me. After two wives and a couple of long-term girlfriends (I stopped getting married in 1977 after a traumatic divorce), I began to understand that I just wasn’t cut out for compulsory monogamy. I was a failed serial monogamist.

  In the mid 1990s, my romantic life changed for the better when I bought a modem—the gadget that connected my primitive computer to the then primitive Internet. Quite by accident, I stumbled upon CompuServe and then upon the polyamory community. I had no idea such a thing existed.

  It changed my life.

  Polyamory introduced me into a new way of thinking about sex, love, and relationships. That old demon—my still abundant raging sex hormones and attendant sex drive—could now be channeled into something that was acceptable to an entire community of intelligent and well-educated people. I could have loving and sexual relationships with more than one person of any gender, in an abundance of relationship structures, and in a myriad of sexual expressions. Honesty and communication were the guiding principles, and everyone knew what was going on. NO CHEATING REQUIRED. Wow! There was a growing and supportive community with local and annual national meetings where I could hang out without stigma.

  I became a polyamory activist and flew about the country doing workshops, giving lectures, and talking about my new discovery to everyone who would listen. I established what may be the world’s only formal collection of historical material on polyamory at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute of Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. I was hooked, and I was finally at peace with sex, love, and relationships.

  A couple of years ago, Mark and Patricia called me for an interview for what would become their very successful book Partners in Passion. They were well informed, agenda-free, and sex positive; they took plenty of time, so the interview was comfortable, extensive, and penetrating. We discussed the wide variety of names given to the myriad forms of relationship and sexual expressions available. We also discussed what I call the swing/poly-wars, during which activists argued over the differences between swinging and polyamory, as well as the heated and failed debates over defining polyamory in a way that would satisfy everyone. During those wars, I started using the term “designer relationships” as an alternative. Designer Relationships demanded only that all parties sit down and discuss openly what each one wanted and how the relationships would progress as life and times changed. Discussion of relationship fluidity (and even sexual fluidity) was mandatory because children, new partners, shifts in sexual orientation, and just plain getting old can all come into play. For me, this was the perfect term for this new age.

  For many years, I planned on writing a book with the title Designer Relationships, but a major geographical move, a new romantic partner, increasing age, impending senility, procrastination, and just plain laziness got in the way. My conversations with Mark and Patricia, however, were fruitful, and we all eventually understood that they would write the book.

  My vision was always that this would be a short book that could be purchased in an airline terminal in Boston and be finished before landing in Los Angeles. Designer Relationships meets that criterion (well, almost for slow readers). Patricia and Mark have done an admirable job covering the wide variety of subjects so necessary for understanding the vast, ill-defined and ever changing world of consensual non-monogamy.

  Thank you, Mark and Patricia, for doing what I was too lazy to do!

  Introduction

  OURS HAS BEEN A designer relationship from the very start, though we were not familiar with the term at the time. When we got together in 1999, it was to practice sexual Tantra. Neither one of us was seeking a long-term partner, but things evolved quickly, to our surprise. Once it became clear that this was more than a casual or purely practical relationship, we began what has been an ongoing process of examining and purposefully shaping our partnership.

  Time passed. The relationship deepened, and so did our trust in each other. With that trust came the ability to be more adventurous, and in the intervening years we’ve been exposed to a wide variety of alternative sexual and relationship communities and have presented to a broad spectrum of people—from monogamous to pansexual—and we’ve done our share of sexual exploration, while maintaining a strong pair-bond.

  No doubt some imagine that our life is an endless party, and that we’re lust-crazed libertines. The reality is a lot more mundane. And that’s fine. While we’re unconventional, we’re by no means radical in the scheme of things, but our designer relationship is one that we’ve created. It works for us, and that’s all that matters.

  In 2013, when we were writing Partners in Passion, we elected to describe ourselves as both “a devoted married couple” and as “pair-bonded nonmonogamous.” (If we had it to do over, we’d probably use nonexclusive instead.) The idea that two people in a nonmonogamous relationship that has lasted for over fifteen years can be both happy and devoted to one another challenges conventional wisdom—it is even perceived as a threat to the social order by some. Thus, the decision to come out fully was not an easy one to make, even though we have never been deeply closeted, have never concealed our attendance at alternative events, and have been inclusive of nonconforming relationship styles in our writing. We’re also in the privileged position of being a white, mostly heterosexual, childfree, and self-employed couple, so writing openly about our relationship was less risky for us than it would be for many others.

  Despite our circumstances, we were somewhat reluctant to reveal any personal details for two reasons. First, Partners in Passion is a book that’s written primarily for couples, including monogamous ones, and we were concerned that discussing nonmonogamy as a valid option for some would be off-putting to a significant segment of potential readers. We were also concerned that we would be stigmatized for being forthright.

  We have been pleasantly surprised, though we still have our uneasy moments. There’s no way to tell whether some monogamous readers have been deterred by the content, but the reviews have been favorable, and readers have observed that they learned from the experiences of our nonmonogamous interviewees. On a personal level, our uneasiest moments were on a drive-time radio show; the host mocked us and insisted on calling us “swingers”—in a feeble attempt to offend us and titillate his audience—without any knowledge of our relationship structure or agreements. Despite his mockery, he eventually revealed that, prior to their marriage, he made it clear to his wife that he couldn’t promise lifelong exclusivity, which means that he, too, is in a designer relationship of sorts.

  Notwithstanding the positive response to Partners in Passion, attitudes like that shock jock’s remain all too common, so we were delighted when Brenda Knight at Cleis Press suggested that we write a follow-up, companion piece that focused more explicitly on the spectrum of relationship possibilities that includes but is not limited to sexually exclusive arrangements. We were also grateful to have the opportunity to explore the subject in more depth and to expand our scope to include a variety of other and more radical alternative structures.

  Designer Relationships incorporates some of Partners in Passion, sometimes restructured and refocused. It also contains new material, and new research. To a significant degree, it is a response to the rapid and dramatic cultural changes that have taken place since 2013. We think of it as a companion piece; where Partners is encyclopedic, coveri
ng relationships and sexuality throughout the life cycle, Designer Relationships is more narrowly focused on relationship structures and skills, including a critique of the way monogamy is conventionally practiced (but not a critique of monogamy itself) and an exploration of alternative possibilities. We hope that this book will contribute to a trend that’s already in motion—the increased acceptance of a wide variety of consensual domestic, erotic, and emotional arrangements. We also hope it will help you define and create the domestic, erotic, and emotional relationships that work for you.

  CHAPTER

  1

  What Is a Designer Relationship?

  CONTEMPORARY RELATIONSHIPS ARE IN a state of rapid evolution. We see these changes as empowering. They provide people with the opportunity to develop partnerships based on their own sexualities, understandings, and agreements. This makes it possible to create what Kenneth R. Haslam MD, founder of the Kinsey Institute’s Polyamory Archive, has called “designer relationships.” You are the designer, along with your partner or partners, and it’s up to you to create a relationship that works and to redesign it when and if appropriate. We invite you to move beyond the binary thinking that deems monogamy and various forms of consensual nonmonogamy to be irreconcilable opposites.

  DESIGNER RELATIONSHIPS—BEYOND THE BINARY

  The term designer relationship is inclusive. It may encompass:

  •People who bond emotionally but not sexually

  •People who choose to be sexually exclusive

  •People who agree to be nonexclusive

  •Single people who have occasional lovers or friends with benefits

  •Multiple partner configurations where long-term bonds exist among all or some

  •Partnerships in which certain kinky activities take place outside the primary relationship

  The foregoing are just a few examples. The possibilities are limitless, and thinking about a partnership as something people can craft allows for flexibility and change over the span of the relationship and one’s life. Relationships can open and close or have varying degrees and kinds of openness as circumstances demand. In the context of a designer relationship, decisions are made mutually, consciously, and deliberately. Agreements are discussed, arrived at, and honored, and when agreements no longer serve, they can be recrafted.